How Autism Has Touched My Life

I know that this post is not hair related, I'm anxious to get back to blogging about hair. I felt, however, that since you good folks were kind enough to stick with me, I thought it only fair that I share with you why I disappeared for so long.

There was a time when the thought of sharing this information with anyone would have been so overwhelming as to bring on a sobbing episode in me that was virtually uncontrollable. I would love to sit here and write that I was this strong woman with an elephant's load of resolve,  who began this journey snarling my teeth and prepped for the battle. The truth is, when my daughter was diagnosed with PDD-NOS, which falls on the autism spectrum, I can only tell you honestly that by the end of that first day, I  was crumbled up in a ball on the floor crying as I don't think I ever have before cried in my life. I would love to tell you that I pushed my shoulders back, and put my trust in the glory of  our Creator to make everything alright, as in, "glory for ashes" and all that. But the  truth is, I was so angry at our "Creator" that I questioned with every ounce of my soul whether a "Creator" in this crazy, dark and evil world even existed. Everything I believed in, everything that I had hoped for had just been turned upside down, and for the first in my life I got to take good long look at what I was made of. And to be quite frank, it wasn't a pretty sight.

For those of you who are unfamiliar with PDD-NOS, here is some additional information. It, of course, is just a basic overview. My daughter does not fall squarely into this "box", but at the onset, she had quite a few of the listed symptoms. I don't want to get into a long drawn out discussion about the diagnosis, truly I just wanted you to know why I was gone for so long.

So where am I, or more importantly, where is my daughter at at this point in the journey? Well, I'm happy to report that she is doing very well, and in fact, she is on a road to recovery. By recovery, I simply mean that with this diagnosis comes a number of various physical anomalies that can also plague these beautiful young children. In my daughter's case, she had a multitude of gastrointestinal issues that had us running back and forth to the ER more times than I care to count. But in the last couple of years we have been able to locate a doctor that has been helping her with her stomach issues, and curiously enough, when her stomach is well, the majority of the other symptoms she has with this diagnosis go away a well. In fact, when I share with others that she has this diagnosis, pretty much everyone replies that they would have never guessed. At the beginning of our journey this was not the case.

As for me, I've discovered that I'm stronger than I thought I was. I discovered that it's ok to cry for what I feel is painful or unfair, that having a stiff upper lip is just another word for stomach ulcer. My strength comes from knowing that I can help my beautiful child make it through this process - for her I have this strength.

 I have reconciled with my Creator. I had previously been tormented by the fact that I and my husband had feverishly prayed over my belly for the health of our unborn child. When this obviously had not protected her in the way that I had hoped, I questioned my faith. But truly, for me, there is no hope AT ALL without faith. For me, believing is a choice...I choose to believe and trust that all things work for good for those who believe. I CHOOSE to believe.

 I don't have all the answers and that's ok. It wasn't ok when we first began. I have no idea why the incidence of autism has gone up 20 + fold since 1990.  Is it the tap water, is it vaccinations, is it wireless radiation? I don't know. And let's not even get me started on the whole genetic aspects, because I have pretty much torn my family and my husband's family medical history apart, trying to find answers, but there weren't any.

I  don't  know.  BUT, what I do know is this, just as with everything that happens in this life... it is a journey, a transition, a new path to take.  I didn't pick this path, I wouldn't have. I would have chosen one infinitely easier, but it is what it is. Even with all of that said though, I did have one choice to make - I could either stay on that floor, crawling through life with my vision blurred from tears and heartache OR I  could stand up, and begin to walk, one step at a time. My vision would still be blurred from time to time, because the tears did and will continue to come, but some of those tears are and will be made of joy.  The  point is, I chose to move forward. The love I feel for my child gave me the strength to get up off of that floor and move forward.

Where am I at this point in the journey? I am here - The journey continues...


Thank you for reading.

Ciao!!